Last night at Vespers (our Wednesday evening service) the theme was The Journey. Our rehearsal ended early and I was able to go, unexpectedly. I sat in the back with T.J. and Holly and Lauren Gingles. I could not believe the amount of emotion the service brought out in me. I always love the dim lighting, the soft music, the ancient prayers and writings of people like Thomas Merton. I loved the stations--one was a reflection on the journey up to now and an exercise in thanksgiving. At another you were to look ahead 10-20 years and pick one fruit of the Spirit you wanted to be most evident in your life. And the other was a table that was a literal feast of fruits, nuts, and other delicious things representing the table that God spreads before us along the journey. After the station time, T.J. played guitar and led some old hymns. I couldn't move. I sat still while tears flowed. He's one of my all time favorite singers/worship leaders, but the presence of God in that room was so heavy.
I am struggling mightily. My tendency is to micro-manage what others think about me and always position myself in a positive light. (isn't that called pride?) I have just decided to let it be what it is. Times of struggle are exactly that.
Last night we were led in prayer. It was a prayer written by Thomas Merton. It hit me squarely between the eyes. I hope it blesses you today.
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain
where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. BUT, I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that, if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
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11 comments:
Oh. My. Word. That prayer just totally blessed my socks off. Thanks for sharing it. I'm saving this one.
Blessing on you, brother.
Thanks for the prayer. It always amazes me when someone I never met can word a prayer from my heart.
Thanks for the prayer, Brandon. I continue to pray for you, and I'm looking forward to running into you next week in A-town.
Thanks for the prayer & for sharing your heart & your struggles. That prayer reaches in to my own insecurities, but comforts me that I am not alone.
this is a perfect prayer for where I am....thanks for sharing!
What an amazingly honest, earnest prayer! Thank you so much for sharing it and for sharing the struggles. I love that I can always count on you to be real. Even from far away you are such a blessing!
I love you my Brother, fellow struggler, partner on the journey.
BST, sometimes I think Ministry makes us paranoid in this way and so our tendency is to "manage" what people think of us because it bleeds into our self concept, our job security, our reputation, our need to be liked and to please others etc etc. We want the truth to be told and to have a fair shot at being thought of justly.
You are not alone in this struggle. I feel this burden for my husband even more so than for myself although this is not a struggle for him.
Not to patronize or minimize hard times, but rather as encouragement to stay the course, remember that God know. He knows our hearts our motives and our intentions. When we can not "manage" how others feel about us, He still knows us, loves us, sings over us and has plans to grow us and not harm us.
Brandon, I love you. I love your honesty and your enthusiasm. Holding you in my heart and looking forward to seeing you this weekend.
Thanks for your sincerity and humility in sharing this struggle, Brandon. Your passion, enthusiasim and REALNESS bless everyone who reads this blog and I know for a fact that it blesses those around you. There is NO doubt that you are seeking to please our Lord and that matters more than what people think of you.
The prayer you shared touched me where I am too. Thank you for sharing. Safe travels to you guys and blessings on all the people you will bring into worship this weekend and next week!
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